what's in my hospital bag?

So my doctor's appointment today revealed that I am still 0cm dilated and the baby's head is not 'engaged' yet. Thankfully, his head is still down (please, stay down!) so we are thankful for that at least! It's crazy because I feel like a ticking time bomb. I wake up almost every other hour at night wondering if my water broke and the braxton hicks are starting to kick in -- but no sign of baby just yet. It's such a weird feeling not knowing when it's gonna happen! 

Although we are anxious to meet him, we've been thankful for the extended time to prepare for his arrival and to spend time with just the two of us! Waiting for him to come has been making everything in day-to-day life so sweet! Every painless, uninterrupted, unrushed shower -- every trip to target alone -- every time we go out to eat -- every opportunity to sit at a coffee shop to enjoy a latte and read -- every 4-5 hour stretch I have to sleep at night. I know that in a matter of days or weeks, these seemingly ordinary things will become so much more precious so I've been trying to be mindful about treasuring it. Eugene has been asking our baby to stay inside until he finishes his residency applications (almost done!) and after he gets his oil change, which is due 'immediately' (we're going tomorrow!) I'm hoping that we'll have one last chance to take a beach trip and eat korean bbq (it's been a while!) so I guess we'll see what happens. I'm 39.5 weeks today :)

Since we knew he wasn't gonna be coming for another day or two (at least!), we spent extensive time figuring out + learning how to set up our carseat and stroller today. The next thing on my list to do is to learn how to use my breast pump (probably should be semi-familiar with it before I am sleep-deprived and high on hormones.) 

I also re-organized my hospital bag today and thought I would document what I packed. I hear that first time moms usually overpack like crazy. I've also heard of cases where moms forget to pack something silly like the baby's going home clothes-- and that the nurses have to rip an outfit off of a doll that they use for child care classes to have the baby wear home (lol!) Obviously I am a complete newb and have no idea what to expect -- so I will not act as though I have it all together! But, in hopes that I will be at least semi-prepared, I looked up a few different lists online and got a few helpful emails from veteran mama's about what they recommend putting in the bag. I hope that I can post a follow-up post after my delivery to review what I wish I had packed but didn't and also what I ended up not needing/using at all. 

So here's what's in my bag:

for mama

• Hard candies + gum: When you're in labor, you usually aren't allowed to eat anything so I hear that hard candies and gum come in handly -- especially if you're in labor for 12+ hours! 
• Comfy clothes: I packed some really loose and light PJ pants, a few loose shirts (one long sleeve + short sleeve) 
• Nursing Tank: Especially if you are planning/hoping to breastfeed, I hear it is good to bring a nursing tank with you, so I packed one! I figure I will probably be wearing this the entire time after delivery. 
• Slippers: I brought one waterproof one for the bathroom/shower and a furry one to walk around the room with (mainly because the waterproof Angels one that I bought is the most uncomfortable thing ever).
• "Going home" outfit: I just packed cardigans to wear over my nursing tank/shirt when I go home. Two different ones because I like having options! 
• Maxi pads/long overnight pads: I believe hospitals provide you with sanitary pads after you deliver (because you supposedly bleed for at least a few weeks after delivery!) but I wanted to bring my own just in case the hospital's pads are like mini diapers made out of sandpaper. 
• Toiletries: I know that hospitals provide basic toiletries, but I hear that it's nice to have your own to freshen up with after delivery! I packed my own shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, facewash, lotion + stuff for my contacts. I also packed make-up just in case I end up wanting to use it! 
• Nursing Essentials: nursing pads (just in case!) and ointment (I heard it's good to start as early as possible to prevent drying + cracks!)
• Spare Glasses: I packed a pair of glasses in my bag because if I end up having to go to the hospital from somewhere other than home, I probably won't have my glasses with me! I'm pretty sure it would be uncomfortable wearing contacts for 24+ hours and it would be sad not to be able to see anything/the baby clearly after delivery haha.
• Lotion + chapstick: My patients at the hospital always ask for lotion and/or chapstick. For some reason it's always so dry at the hospital -- so I packed a lot of chapstick and hand/body lotion because the kind that we give out at the hospital smell nasty IMO!
• A good brush: The contraption that we dare call a 'comb' at the hospital is the cheapest, most wretched piece of plastic in the world, so I made sure to pack a good brush along with a headband and some extra bobby pins + hair ties!

for dad

• Comfy clothes + PJs: I packed basketball shorts, two t-shirts and a long sleeve for Eugene. He's a pretty simple guy so this should last him the whole time! 
• Toiletries: basic toiletries (I packed both of us a new toothbrush!) and I included hairwax for him too (is that vain?) because his current hairstyle looks pretty silly without anything holding it together.
• Camera + chargers: Of course daddy needs to help me document some of the labor process so that I can archive the memories somehow! My sweet friends had gifted us with a GoPro so we have it packed in the bag with a few extra batteries! (Should I pack my head strap?) 

for baby

• Onesies + Kimono Tees: I just packed some basic onesies and a kimono tee. I hear kimono tees are helpful because of the umbilical cord stump that the baby goes home with -- but I guess we'll see! 
• "Going home" outfit: I packed him a warm going home outfit since he will most likely be born sometime in January and it's been so chilly lately! 
• Blankets/Swaddlers: I'm not sure if the hospital provides this, but just in case!
• Hats/Socks: My hospital provides hats so I'm not packing one-- though I hear hats are important for newborns to help keep them warm! My going away outfit for baby is a footed onesie so I didn't pack any socks! 

Not pictured: 

• Nursing bras, underwear for mom + dad, etc. (Don't forget it! That would be embarrassing.)

I guess we'll see which of these things I actually use! If there is something important that I left out, let me know so that I can put it in the bag before we pack it into the car! My doctor says that if the baby doesn't come out on his own, we will induce by next Friday but I am hoping, hoping, hoping that we  won't have to! 

Please pray for us! 

xoxo

{memory lane}: friendship, marriage + babies!

Yesterday, people were asking us when our baby was due.

It's crazy because for the first time, our answer was "this week!"

THAT'S NUTS!

Eugene and I have been freaking out about the fact that in the next few weeks, we are gonna become parents. Never again will our lives be the same. never again will we just be a family of two - but our family will be made a bit more "complete" in a sense, as we welcome our son into the world and into our lives. We are so nervous (!!!) but so excited as well. I've been thinking a lot about God's goodness and faithfulness to us -- in both our respective lives, in our marriage and in our relationship in general.  I randomly came across one of Eugene's old photos on Facebook, and after scrolling through a bit I was able to come across some of our oldest photos. I was also feeling nostalgic because we have been seeing our college friends more for Christmas parties in the last few weeks.

I'm so thankful that God grew our friendship so organically over the course of many years. It was sweet thinking back on all the memories so I thought I'd chronicle it here. 

This was actually from the first day that we met. I've noted where Eugene and I were sitting during our first game of Taboo together. This is when the CCM sophomore class had invited the freshmen over to their apartment to play games. I remember this being the first time I met Eugene because I was actually put in his car with a few other girls. He was really shy and awkward (lol!)

A few weeks later though, we became friends and got more comfortable with each other! It was standard for the upperclassmen to buy the younger classmen food as a way to serve them -- and I remember at this particular event, Eugene had paid for my chicken nuggets. 

During the summer after my freshmen year, I was really challenged to be more consistent in my bible-reading and daily devotions. Our college pastor had offered to host a "DWYS" which stood for Don't Waste Your Summer where we met every morning at 7am to read our bibles. We met at the Starbucks at UCI every morning that summer. Eugene had research during the summer early in the morning, so he was the other college student that consistently attended these sessions. He offered to drive me every morning (we were living in the same apartment complex and I didn't have a car so I had been taking the shuttle) so we were carpool buddies to this thing every morning. My friend CJ was concerned that this would cause us to become too close so she actually committed to drive me for the latter half of the summer (lol! thanks for your accountability CJ!) 

Fast forward to the school year (my sophomore and his junior year)-- we both volunteered (separately) to join our church's Operations Crew aka Ops Crew. Because our church didn't have its own facility, we were meeting at a middle school in Tustin. Ops Crew served to transport all the praise equipment to the middle school every Sunday. We were one of the few collegians who had signed up - so we always called ourselves "partners". Of course, I must have loved Eugene or something because I bound him to myself by saying we are partners "FOR LIFE" in my caption. (lol)

Here we are in Steve Lee's truck with all of the praise equipment behind us. I think I was trying to take a picture of the three of us but my arm was too short so it only fit this much and that's why we're laughing (i'm assuming!)

 

For Ops Crew, we met early in the morning so we always had time to grab coffee + breakfast afterwards. I was really into taking pictures in college -- anywhere and anytime. I was also really excited to use the self timer wherever we went - so here we are taking photos of ourselves at Carl's Jr. 

After a few months, Eugene and I were broken off from the rest of the group to be in charge of setting up the chairs. Because we were meeting in the multipurpose room, we usually had to set up all the chairs on Sunday morning before service. Because Eugene and I drove together from UCI area, we were specifically assigned this task (it only required 2 people!) This thing with chairs became our "thing'' so any time/event we took pictures together, we always tried to incorporate chairs to commemorate our partnership. We set up chairs at the church every Sunday for two years! 

Our Ops Crew had many outings together -- most often it was at AYCE sushi places. Eugene and I ate a lot of sushi together during this time -- and that's still one of our favorite things to eat together now as a married couple! If you've ever eaten AYCE sushi with Eugene, you know he is a beast. Of course I had to subtly point that out in the caption without making it too obvious. 

After our group split up (half of us transporting and setting up praise equipment and Eugene + I setting up chairs), we had a lot more time before worship service started. James was faithfully leading a prayer meeting before Sunday service every week so we both decided to join him. We served in this prayer team for about a year together and called ourselves the "MPG" which stood for Morning Prayer Group (lol!) It was a blessing serving together and it was during this time that I got to know more about Eugene and the things he had on his heart because we would share prayer requests every week as well. 

We saw each other every Sunday because of Ops Crew and MPG -- but we also ran across each other a lot of Saturdays when we would both find each other in the library studying. Of course it was always with other people - but because I was in nursing school at the time, and Eugene was a bio major and doing research, we always crossed paths in libraries and various study centers. 

As our friendship grew, it provided opportunities for different things! My family had been going to Mexico a few times a year for medical missions, and because Eugene had an interest in pursuing pharmacy, he asked if he could come and help out. Of course my parents agreed! Here is Eugene and my mom running the "pharmacy" at the clinic we hosted. (We were still just friends at this point!)

Fast forward a few years and here they are again on our wedding day! so sweet. :)

 

Throughout college, we continued as friends and continued to serve together in different capacities. I think my overwhelmingly outgoing personality was scary for Eugene so our interactions always seemed a bit awkward -- but slowly got more and more comfortable as you can tell from the difference of these two pictures. 

I wonder if subconsciously I always intended to marry Eugene. One of Eugene's friends had posted up an embarrassing picture of Eugene's thug life selfie dayz -- and I thought it was hilarious. In my lack of discernment, you can see that over 2 years before we even started dating, I had intended that Eugene and I would marry and I made it known to the facebook world.

Thankfully, in God's perfect timing and His perfect way, he orchestrated a way for us to end up together and after a year of dating we got engaged! 

Remember how I told you that our "thing" was chairs? We had included a chair in so many of our photos in college -- so of course we had to incorporate our roots into our engagement shoot somehow. 

And of course our photographer made us pose in this very unnatural and awkward way on the tiniest chair known to man. Hahahahah

but in the end we got married! 

and now we're having a baby (maybe this week!) 

Life is crazy, yall.

maternity nice-to-have's / dress the bump!

hello, friends!

since I've been on maternity leave, I've had a lot of time to reflect back on the last 9 months and also prepare for what's to come. it's been lovely! it's also been a treat to be able to be cozied up at home (+ not have to wake up early to go to work) especially with this awesome cold weather we've been having! (less than 40 degrees yesterday morning -- say whaaa?) 

before I pop, I wanted to compile a list of clothes that were so very helpful to me during my pregnancy. when I first got pregnant, I was actually pretty determined to not buy any maternity clothes. I've heard that there way ways to make your normal clothes fit/work, even without purchasing an entire new wardrobe. i.e. the rubber band trick:

also, because for work I only have to wear scrubs - I thought I could manage without anything new. boy, was I wrong! because of the lack of versatility in my closet and because every body type is different - I desperately needed at least a few essential items to survive. I don't think I purchased anything "maternity" until about 4-5 months because I was able to manage without. however, once I started wearing more maternity-friendly clothes, my life changed! I was so much more comfortable in my clothes and didn't have the desperate urge/impulse to cut up my pants + shirts in the middle of the day. I don't think it's necessary to stock up an entire wardrobe full of maternity items -- they tend to be on the pricier side and not all are so cute to wear sans baby bump. so, I wanted to compile a list of items that were 'nice to have' for me. (I opted to not call it must-have's because I don't think we really ever "MUST HAVE" anything -- except for one thing that I am particularly biased about...see below)

hope this is helpful to some of you!

1. belly bands - this is truly a gift of grace from God to preggo ladies. when I first started to 'show', I purchased these at target (one black and one white) to wear with my pants. this helped me not require any additional maternity pants for the first 4-5 months of my pregnancy. I used the rubber band trick and slipped these babies on over my pants to help hold them up. they are also relatively long so they are like a pseudo-undershirt if you like to wear long tanks under shirts like me. more often than not, I was wearing this instead of an entire tanktop under my clothes and I tricked you all. I also wore these to work everyday and didn't tie the ties on my scrubs and it was my saving grace!

2. long maternity tanks - I have about a thousand tank tops in my dresser. so I fought tooth and nail to not have to buy another tank top -- but the key to these tanks are that they are super long. I found some amazing pure body tanks at Gap for cheap and they were wonderful. the benefit of having these vs. your normal tanks are that they have seams on the sides that grow with your belly and allow it to stretch comfortably. and they are super long (did I already say that?) so no little unplanned bare belly reveals, which is always a plus! 

3. maxi dresses - I really only bought 1-2 maxi dresses and didn't dress up all that often, but they are worthy of mentioning because they are non-maternity, but perfect for pregnancy! it contours the body well without making you feel like a ginormous dumpling covered in a piece of cloth, keeps your entire body covered (including legs/feet if you have bad swelling) and can be worn even after pregnancy! there were always a lot of pretty ones at h&m for cheap! 

4. maternity leggings - so this is a must-have. sorry, I hate using those words but it's 100% true in this case. let it be known that I have only worn maternity leggings for practically the last 4 months of my life. I almost don't remember what jeans feel like. I also had to buy a few extra pairs because wearing the same ones everyday is apparently not sanitary. but THESE. I really can't say enough about them. wearing normal leggings with a growing pregnancy belly was basically the worst experience of my pregnant life (haha, sorry so drama). the moment I put these babies on, I seriously wanted to kiss myself for finding them. just trust me on this and stock up -  you won't regret it.

5. cardigans, cardigans, CARDIGANS - I love, love love cardigans. even before baby. mainly because I cannot ever imagine myself wearing something sleeveless, even on a normal day. but the fact that I had so many cardigans stocked up during the course of my life was a reminder of God's sovereignty over all things (lol, sorry so drama again.) not only are cardigans warm and pretty - but most of them are long and so versatile. I could wear the same nursing tank and just change my cardigans every day and look like I'm wearing a completely different outfit. it's awesome. even if you aren't pregnant, start stocking up now, and invest in long ones! 

6. long maternity tops with ties - last year, I signed up for a clothing subscription program called stitchfix.  essentially, you get assigned an online stylist who sends you 5 different items of clothes based on your specific style-preference and you keep what you want and return what you don't want. when I told my stylist that I was pregnant, she tailored my "fixes" with things that were maternity-friendly and sent me a lot of great items that were perfect for my growing belly. one particular style I grew to appreciate were long maternity tops with ties. 'long' because you wanna keep that belly covered and be able to wear it with the essential maternity leggings (see above) and 'ties' because you don't want to feel or look like your wearing a poncho especially when your belly gets so big you can't see your feet and everything you wear makes you look like 1,000 pounds. ties are key. 

--- 

I've found the most luck finding good maternity things at H&M (only online -- I was never able to find some stocked at the stores), Gap (baby Gap usually has the maternity sections -- and the clearance/sale racks are awesome. I found multiple things for $3-5!) and Target (but make sure to only buy a few things here or dig through the sales section because they are super expensive!)

A lot of women go through body image issues when they're pregnant. I know that I definitely struggled to embrace my growing body, too.  Not being able to walk, or turn over to the other side in the bed or waddling around in clothes that barely feel right make you feel like a whale. (I was actually called a 'whale' once! haha.) but maternity clothes definitely helped me. I also learned just to embrace this season of growing a human being inside of me. The changes taking place in my body were moreso things to help protect and nourish the baby and (hopefully) not because of over-indulgence of cravings (I barely had any!) of bad-for-you foods. I will definitely miss my baby belly - itchy skin, brown linea nigra line and red stretch marks and all! 

I'm thankful for a relatively smooth pregnancy thus far and am anxiously waiting for our little man to arrive. Hoping that I can enjoy the last few weeks of having him inside - regardless of how painful/uncomfortable it's becoming! 

p.s. I got 'checked' yesterday at my 37 week appointment and found out I'm not dilated at all yet (whew!) Looks like baby will be staying inside until daddy comes back home after all :o) 

q&a: pregnancy

happy December!

this week, I will have finally reached full term (praise God!) so now that I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy-- there are a few things that I hope to remember. I've actually loved being pregnant- with the discomforts and all. I think because it took so long for us to finally conceive and because there is no knowing if it's in God's will for us to conceive again, I've made a deliberate effort to try to embrace and enjoy every part of my pregnancy. I'm so glad I did, because I really have enjoyed it and it's been an amazing experience growing a human being inside of me-- still blows my mind!  there's truly nothing like it in the world, and I feel so humbled and grateful for God's grace in allowing us to have this child.

I wanted to compile of list of things so that I can remember the little details forever. Sorry in advance for the TMI (as usual) so... to answer the often-asked question:

How was pregnancy?

1st trimester.

• major fatigue and malaise, all day err' day. these were the symptoms that actually prompted me to do a pregnancy test -- so random! but I felt like I had the flu for 2 months!
• I was taking progesterone supplements because my levels were low, which caused me to have major congestion and I couldn't breathe/sleep at night -- had to buy nasal spray for the first time (!!!)
• the progesterone hormone that your body normally produces more of during pregnancy naturally causes constipation - but because I was taking additional supplements twice a day, my constipation was...torturous. 
• I was so happy to hear that I could take colace (in moderation). but still, I had (at one point) not had a successful one in over 10 days. like I said, torturous 
• eugene was so strict with me about not drinking any caffeine but thankfully, no caffeine withdrawal headaches! thanks to doing whole30 and not drinking coffee for almost a month!
• nausea and queasiness triggered more by hunger and thoughts (not smells) of certain foods
• food aversions included: baked chicken breast or fish (so random)
• I ate so many bags of hot cheetos during this trimester. like a whole bag for dinner. 
• my worst vomit episode was in my car while I was stuck in traffic. I was so hungry on my way to meet someone for dinner - I drank a trenta-sized iced tea in the car and ate ALL the ice because I was so hungry and I threw up what seemed to be a gallon of liquid on myself and all over my carseat. didn't even have time to roll the windows down.
• brown line (linea nigra) appeared and even though I didn't have a baby bump, it started to feel more real! omg I'm really pregnant!
• felt and looked pretty miserable - it's almost embarassing how many times people asked me "what's wrong with you?" at work. too bad I couldn't tell them it wasn't that I was in a bad mood but that I was just feeling miserable because I was pregnant! 
• we waited til I was about 14 weeks to announce publicly - so to all those who thought I was mad at them or had to endure through my last-minute cancellations, I apologize!

2nd trimester.

• finally felt like myself again! the 2nd trimester burst of energy is real life and it was awesome!
• I finally started to show around 22 weeks. I remember I always made Eugene feel my belly (starting at 14 weeks) because I swore there was a baby bump in there, but no - 22 weeks is when he finally made his debut!
• we hosted our gender reveal party and found out we were having a son! Eugene was so happy :)
• I occasionally felt these strange "gas bubbles" which I later found out was the baby moving around! 
• speaking of gas, I had such bad gas during this trimester. not the kind that comes out and gives you relief. the kind that stays inside of your belly and makes you feel like a crazy person. I almost wanted to poke a needle through my belly because I was convinced I could expel air out that way.
• not only did we have gas but I experienced real-life, GERD-style heartburn. oh my goodness. I had to sleep sitting up a few nights. I stopped eating hot and spicy foods for a few weeks, which helped somewhat. I also took tums for the first time. what is life?
• it was so fun seeing baby grow and we finally saw little bits of his face. 
• at our 2nd trimester ultrasound, we found out that our baby might have trisomy 18. we were scheduled another ultrasound for 3rd trimester to rule it out.
• started doing my daily kick counts and realized how much baby actually moves around. sometimes I would have to stand up and eat ice cream or drink water to wake him up - and eugene would give him little pep talks before.  :) 
• insomnia began and it would take me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. going to work the next day was not the most fun thing after nights like that...but we made it!
• blood pressure was always so low for some reason -- 88/58 on one of my doctors visits. dang vasodilation!

3rd trimester.

• it was harder to be at work (scrubs don't fit, standing for 12 hours, minimal pee/water breaks) so I had to lay down a lot at work and I couldn't do as much which was humbling and a little sad! but I was so thankful for my sweet co-workers who often picked up my slack and helped me so much!
• I started to get charlie-horse leg cramps in the middle of the night (worse on nights after work...!!!) I would wake up in tears almost 2-3 times a night. growing pains all over again!
• baby was sitting really high and all up on my diaphragm. I was huffing and puffing after walking up stairs or even if I said too long of a sentence (generally 10+ words) it's pretty embarrassing when you have shortness of breath while sitting down, just because you said a long sentence. lol :')
• indigestion again! baby taking up all the room. I had really bad regurg and would throw up in my mouth at least 3 times a day after every meal. 
• my regurg led to a lack of appetite and a general disinterest in food (so weird for me!) I would really only eat 1 meal a day and force myself to eat high-protein snacks because I had to!
• no swelling yet, hooray! 
• baby is moving A LOT and it tickled so much and I could actually see/feel him with my hands from the outside. My heart bursts! 
• our 3rd trimester ultrasound revealed that everything looked good-  no trisomy 18! 
• had to change my OB because my doctor hurt her elbow and couldn't do any more deliveries for a few months -- and my OB was changed to a male doctor (!!!!) but I actually really like him so far!
• we got burglarized while eugene was gone for rotation (!!) and I was staying at my mom's place. it was pretty traumatizing and I had really really bad insomnia for almost 3 days after and had to call out for work. so thankful for all my friends + family who offered to sleepover, wait for me to get to my door before driving away and hung out with me until late at night.
• baby dropped at 34 weeks and Doctor started my maternity leave 1.5 weeks early. 
• we got to do our 4d ultrasound with our family and saw baby move and yawn and smile! our hearts were a completely melted and we couldn't wait to meet him! 

Appetite changes/preferences

• pho / one of my favorite foods but I couldn't stomach it for almost 2 trimesters. especially pho with any kind of meat. it made me so grossed out! chicken pho was okay though, as long as I had lots of lime and chili sauce! 
• spicy foods / I always loved spicy but my cravings for spicy things were on another level. (육개장, hot cheetos, things bathed in sriracha and the famous 불닭볶음면!) The hype is real....we ate those spicy noodles almost once a week for a month!
• beef hot pot from boiling point / I used to always get the japanese miso one but I always craved the tangy beef hot pot. I filled up so many of those stamp cards during my pregnancy! 
• bread / I used to say I could live without it --  but one of my favorite things was white toast with butter. and a strange new liking to pastries. 
• ice cream / nothing out of the ordinary for me, but definitely craved it more than usual. my absolute fave was the korean pear ice slush "Tank Boy". so refreshing during the hot summer days! 
• jasmine green milk tea / i actually preferred to drink this over all of my usual faves (i.e. lattes, etc.) 
• black iced coffee / the good kinds and not the danky ones from starbucks. I never ever drank my coffee black but I really enjoyed it black and iced while pregnant - probably because Eugene only let me take 2-3 sips a day. 

Things I miss:

• sushi
• medium-rare steaks (how do people eat it well done? yack!)
• riding rollercoasters (lol!) I almost went on a trip to knott's before I realized I would waste my money going there..
• being able to paint my toes without feeling like I'm gonna pass out
• running around at work and being able to do heavy-lifting things without getting yelled at by my coworkers....hehe xoxo

Bucket-list before baby comes!

• go out as much as possible (per the recommendations of all my mommy friends!)
• go to target and cafes just because
• take a trip to SD with my sisters! 
• read as much as possible! (i'm currently reading 3 books and hope to finish before baby arrives!)
• memorize + meditate on more scripture (need to archive that for those tough late-night shifts!)
• date nights every day once eugene comes back from his rotation! 
• host a lot of get togethers at our place (game nights, dinners, dumpling-making party, etc!)

only about a month left but we can't wait to meet you, little one! xoxo

hello, maternity leave!

I'm officially on maternity leave! 

My doctor decided to take me off work 1.5 weeks early because the baby is bigger than anticipated and I 'dropped' last week. The baby is sitting nice and low right now, making himself quite comfortable near my pelvis. Thanks to him, I'm getting lots of exercise walking to-and-from the bathroom almost every other hour! Even though I was sad to leave work earlier than expected, I'm so thankful for the extra time that I have to rest and prepare before baby makes his grand debut in the next month or so!

I worked on Monday, not knowing that it was my last shift. I'm thankful that it was a relatively good day with lots of hugs and sweet treats. We ordered via doordash and had the most amazing seafood + steak burritos. I was able to make a patient who was in severe post-op pain a lot more comfortable by the end of my shift, gave lots of hugs to my patients' family members and got to share a cup of Starbucks coffee with my hospice patient (his request + his first oral intake in 6 weeks!) before the end of my shift. It was a rewarding day and I'm glad that I can hold onto memories like that as I enter into this season of being away from work! 

It's a strange feeling! I feel (almost) guilty for having all this free time -- but I'm trying to remember that it's good for both me and baby and I'm gonna try to just enjoy it! I started my maternity leave by reading + enjoying a cafe napoli from kean coffee and set up our baby monitor all by myself (HOLLA!) 

I also spent time compiling lists of things to do and things to look forward to during these next few weeks. :) It made me excited to see all the things I'll be able to do and all the things I can look forward to in the month before baby arrives.

things (I want/need) to do before baby comes!

• finish the nursery (clean the clutter, wash + organize clothes, set up baby monitor, hang things, set up curtain rods!) 
• deep clean the kitchen and bathrooms (who knows when that will happen again after baby arrives?)
• figure out insurance things 
• put together hospital bag (at least by next week)
• meet + choose baby's pediatrician 
• finish the books I'm reading and read more if possible!
• make christmas cards
• go to the beach a few times, just because!
• take lots of walks and do lots of prenatal workouts
• host lots of get-togethers

things that are happening before baby comes!

• baby showers! 
• babymoon trip to SD with my sisters
• lots of family time
• eugene ends his hardest rotation!
• date night with eugene every night after his rotation ends
• lots of weddings for our sweet friends
• christmas reunion with my college friends :) 

hoping that I can make the most of my time off and use it faithfully + fruitfully :) 

xoxo

40 days of thanksgiving...while you're away!

Yesterday I sent Eugene off for his 6 week rotation "away".

cue violins and sad, dramatic music.

Thankfully, he will be trying to stop by home to see me at least once on the weekends, so it's up to me to get through the week and spend it well while he's away. I've been preparing for this 6-week stretch for the last few months. We've been talking about it, praying about it and I've been planning for it for a long while now. Being in my third trimester of pregnancy makes him being away a lot harder and makes me a lot clingy-er than I usually am. I've grown quite dependent on him to help me as it's been harder for me to move around and do things on my own. Who's going to take down the trash for me? Who's going to help me off the bed/couch when I can't seem to roll over on my other side? (I know these are all silly things that I need to stay being a baby about...don't judge me!)

Over the weekend, Eugene spent a lot of time preparing. He printed out a lot of his own notes, packed his things (clothes, school supplies, printer, etc) and I just ate ice cream by the tub to make myself feel better.

Yesterday, we made a trip to Costco to stock up on essentials: large containers of water + detergent for me - crates of coffee, protein bars, xerox paper and bathroom things for him. We dropped it off at his Airbnb and got the room all the set up.

We had a late lunch with his parents and said our goodbyes.  There were tears (me, I'm ridiculous - I know.) and hugs/kisses and reassuring words (him) and then we went our own ways.

Even though it's sad to be apart, I know that these 6 weeks will offer me a very unique and special opportunity to prepare for the baby, spend my time with people, spend time alone and to learn a great deal of things. I would hate to waste it. So of course, as always, I have compiled a list of things to do and accomplish in these 6 weeks I have to myself. I have already filled my calendar up with outings and short trips - but have also allotted time for me to be alone as well. 

There are a lot of things to do and a lot of exciting things that will be happening in these next 6 weeks. I want to embrace everyday and find the evidence's of God's grace in all the little details of my day so I'm going to try to do a #40daysofthanksgiving challenge. It's perfect because it coincides with the Thanksgiving holiday.

 In 40 days, Eugene will be back home from his rotation - but in the time he's away I'm gonna try my very best to make the most of it!  Hopefully I'll be able to accomplish all my goals and get all my chores done before he comes home and baby arrives. We're hoping that the baby doesn't make his debut during this rotation -- but I guess we'll just have to be prepared and wait + see.

Until then, cheers to 40 days of giving thanks! 

xoxo

{dear baby} 31 weeks of you / 4 years of us

dear baby,

happy 31 weeks! 

we've reached the homestretch and it's crazy/scary/exciting to think that you will be here in just a few months! we're hoping that you don't come too early since daddy will be gone for a 6 week rotation and will be done only 2 weeks shy of your due date. so try to stay in there, okay? 

today we went in for our 3rd trimester growth scan. i found out today that this isn't an ultrasound that people generally do -- except your scan last trimester actually showed that you had a choroid plexus cyst on your brain, which is a soft marker for trisomy 18. although they told us that your risk of  trisomy 18 was relatively low (our blood work looked 'stellar', they said) -- we were able to get a follow up ultrasound to see if the cyst went away or not. daddy and I had donuts and coffee this morning before our appointment. 

we would love you no matter what - but we were so happy to hear that everything looked perfect. we even got to see your little face as you were turning your head!

thankfully, she was able to snap a quick picture and we nearly melted a million times!

you are a whopping 4 lbs and 3 oz already (almost 1lb heavier than expected at your gestational age). we have about 9 more weeks of growing to do, so don't fatten up too much! but please continue to grow well. our hearts are so full with gratitude for the way God has been growing you so far. it's so crazy to think that you went from a pea-sized bundle of cells to an actual baby with ventricles in the brain, a spine, a stomach and a little face! our God is truly an amazing creator.

as of last week, daddy and I have officially been married for 4 years. it's crazy to think that much time has passed already. this past week, we've been busy getting your nursery together, building furniture and  talking and thinking about you a whole lot. you've also been kicking and jumping around a lot more these days - daddy even felt your 5 karate kicks in a row and was so weirded out! it's crazy to think how much you are a part of me. it's crazy to think that what I eat directly supplies you with the nutrients you  need -- that the water I drink hydrates you and that every single thing I do affects you because we are connected (albeit via an umbilical cord, but connected nonetheless!) it's crazy because I feel like you are so "one" with me. 

you'll learn this when you're a bit older, but the bible says that the only person that I am truly "one" with is my husband/your daddy. this feeling of "one"-ness with you has been making my true "one"-ness with your daddy so much more real to me. to think that, no matter how much it feels that you are truly the person that I am most "one" with, that in God's eyes that I am not one with you but with your daddy. 

marriage is so beautiful. so sacred. and such a beautifully profound shadow of the "one"-ness we have with Jesus. God specifically ordained marriage to be the institution in which Christ's love for us in the gospel is most clearly displayed. everyday I experience this uniquely intimate connection that I have with you - and am reminded all the more that, my covenant unity in marriage to your daddy is something even beyond that. i'm learning more deeply what it means to be "one" in marriage, but even moreso, the unimaginable beauty of the love of Christ for us.

praying that daddy and I will be able to guard, protect and grow in our marriage even after your arrival, and praying that together we will learn more and more deeply the depth of God's love for us in the gospel.

thanks for the lessons (and the kicks!), baby. 

can't wait to see you soon.

love always,

mama

guidelines to being married to a student

this week, eugene and I celebrated 4 years of living life together and learning how to choose to love one another as husband and wife. it's been an amazing adventure, to say the least.. but it has definitely not been easy.

out of the 4 years we've been married, eugene has been in school for over 3 of them. 

hello sweet husband who has no idea what kind of rollercoaster is ahead.

The first few years in school were filled with a lot of learning, adjusting, readjusting, moving (we moved 3 times in 3 years!) compromising, crying + whining (on my end), stressing + freaking out (on his end), talking, loving, forgiving, learning, etc etc. To put it in a nutshell, it's been real.  and by real i mean: really really hard. but there have been a lot of beautiful and wonderful things I learned about marriage and how to specifically be a wife to my husband during these years. the lessons I learned are things I would never trade for years of comfort and perfect ease.

In my college years, I was fortunate to be surrounded by wives who truly loved, supported and submitted to their husbands - as to the Lord. I have seen Christ honored in their homes and in their marriages. I was thrilled to find so many beautiful jewels of truth and instruction specifically geared towards wives penned in the Scriptures. One passage I particularly love and hold dear is, of course, found in proverbs 31--

 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

How much I longed to do "good" for my husband... to be the kind of wife whose husband's heart fully trusts and has no lack of gain. I desired so much to know how to properly live this out in this unique stage of my husband being fully preoccupied with school and work. but I was so unprepared.. and lost (!!) and confused (!!!)

I have not been the perfect wife. More often than not, I have not been the good helper that I am called to be. My husband and my closest family and friends would be the first to attest to how much I failed to really live up to the high calling of wife-hood that I received on our wedding day. However, there are many invaluable things I learned and wish I had known from the beginning. So to commemorate our last wedding anniversary spent in this season as wife + husband-who-is-a-full-time-student, I will share the some things I learned (and wish I had known sooner) while being a wife to a pharmacy student. So with that I present you with...

Guidelines to Being Married to a Student

1. Don't nag. (or be a drama queen, cry baby, whiner-girl)

For starters, we have to go back to the basics.  I learned very early on that the best way I could "help" and serve my husband in this unique but difficult stage of our life + marriage was simply not to nag. There were countless times (like at least 10 times a day) when I wanted to nag or cry or complain about something. Exhibit A: I want attention. Exhibit B: You're never home, I'm lonely! Exhibit C: How come you never spend time with me. The list goes on. I learned that senseless nagging has never helped anyone do anything in life and it definitely doesn't make for a special and romantic interaction when husband comes home from a long day of work, feeling pressured and traffic and he is greeted with non-stop tears and nagging. You just gotta roll with the punches and understand and believe him when he says that he's trying his best to spend time with you and give you love and attention. This helped resolve at least 80% of our problems during the first year. If you stopped reading right now, you would be pretty safe for the entire 4 year grad school stretch, to be honest. haha.

2. Understand that it's just a season.

Something that will help you to accomplish #1 is to understand what I'm about to say in #2. Just remember that this school stage is just a season. Remembering this helped me to persevere through the different worries and sad feelings and drama queen/pity party episodes I had inside when I started to see him less and when I saw my relationship with Eugene change when he started school. Although my husband was no longer visiting me at work, surprising me by doing dishes while I was away and making me french toast when I was taking a nap doesn't mean that my husband changed. It means he's in school and he's actually a lot busier than he used to be, and that's okay. 

3. Focus on not wasting this season yourself.

Something really stupid and immature I used to say to myself in the middle of my pity party sessions was that I hoped that I could fall asleep and wake up in 4 years when he was done in school. Like in a coma. (Ooookay, get your laughs and finger pointing out now.) I know, super lame. Thankfully, it didn't take me too long to snap out of it and realize how extremely foolish that kind of thinking was. I had to remember that God is purposeful in every season, even the ones that are not so delightful and fun. Even though this was a season that was not-so-ideal for me (in the sense that I rarely ever got to see my husband and felt like a single married woman!), I had to recognize that God had specific purpose and plans for ME during this season. I had to recognize that these 4 years of him being in school is precious time for me to invest in things and serve in ways that I wouldn't be able to if my husband was always home. This change in thinking made 4 dreadfully long years seem like a really short time because of the long list of things I wanted to try and do! 

4. Keep yourself busy!

Hence, to build on #3, I would encourage you to find hobbies, try new things and spend a lot of time with people. Serve your church. Seize opportunities in your job/occupation you otherwise would never consider trying. During Eugene's time in school, I got to do/experience a lot of things. To name a few:

I learned how to sew and learned how to use a sewing machine!

I read a lot of books and went to a lot of cafes (my fave!)

I became a guest lecturer for a nursing school and got to grow my love for teaching by lecturing 6 times!

I fell in love with painting and watercoloring + calligraphy/lettering!

I experienced 2 different nursing jobs (one at another hospital - short lived, but a good experience) and as a home-health hospice nurse. and went to even more cafes. 

I opened an etsy shop!

I went to India with my church!

I fell in love with finding new (and healthy) recipes! 

superfood energy balls. Recipe here. 

I also spent a lot of time at "home-home" with my family. 

5.  Find out how to uniquely + specifically help/serve your husband in this season.

As new wives, we are so excited to live up to this picture-perfect wife that we envisioned we would be. My picture included: me baking a lattice crust apple pie with a duster in one hand, wearing a really cute anthropologie apron in a perfectly clean and cozy house. and of course there is pot roast in the oven. This vision was crushed almost immediately after marriage but even moreso after Eugene started school. It's hard to get into your making dinner-every-night jive when your husband is rarely home to sit down for dinner and when all meals need to be stored in easy go-to tupperware containers. It threw me off and completely messed up my paradigm. I learned that "being a good wife/helper" is to meet my husband where he is and find out what kind of things would help him most. For me, my picture-perfect list of to-do's were thrown out the window and my list of wifely duties became pretty unconventional but once I learned to embrace and accept it, it became really fun and enjoyable to find specific ways to help serve him in his student-stage. :)

My list these last 4 years included: waking him up for naps, revising his papers and helping him format powerpoints, picking up his dry cleaning on time, keeping his white coat clean and ironed, pre-packing healthy meals that he could take to school, running random errands for him (i.e. picking up 50 starbucks giftcards and wrapping them individually for "thank you presents)

This one time he asked me to make spring rolls for some culture food day he had:

Every now and then we can throw one of these in before a test day to make him smile and keep him pumped! Be creative and have fun with it!

6. Pray for him.

This seems like a no brainer almost but it's been the hardest thing to do and is by far the most important, in my opinion. I say that it was the 'hardest' because I think my natural tendency is wanting to "do" something tangible rather than doing something seemingly intangible like praying. Throughout the years, I had lacked a lot of faith in how much power there is in prayer.  I remember countless times when I felt helpless because I didn't know how to help Eugene. I had told an older sister at my church, "I feel so helpless because I don't know what else to do for him but to pray for him." It rebuked me when she responded by saying "that's the absolute best thing you can do for him." How true that was. How silly and prideful of me to negate God's hand in Eugene's life. I learned and am continuing to learn daily that the best thing that I can do for my husband in this season and in every season is laboring for him in my knees in prayer: asking God to strengthen, protect and equip Eugene to persevere and be victorious in all that he has been called to do/be. What joy there is in life to know that we are not alone - that sometimes, God does give us more than we can handle so that we can turn to him in prayer and complete dependence.

(HT: DesiringGod)

I'm praying that the lessons that I learned will continue with me as we close out this season of our lives and enter the next. In everything (and as always), I'm so thankful that God is faithful and good and with us in all things. 

Cheers to our last year as wife and husband-who-is-a-full-time-student. 

Looking forward to whats to come.

xoxo