Last week, Eugene and I celebrated our 3 years of marriage. (over sushi, of course!)
3 years is not a long time - but I can truly say that these last 3 years have been the best years of my life. We've learned a lot, grown a lot together, experienced a lot of life together as one. it has been really so wonderful - but let be honest...it has also been hard. really, really hard. and lonely (at times). we've struggled. we've fought. we've had to learn hard things together. We've learned that marriage is really about enduring through the many facets of life together - persevering as one.
In these last few years, God has taught me a lot of things. He has deepened my understanding of His perfect love for me and I'm constantly learning that only Jesus is sufficient to fill the deepest longings and desires of my heart. I've learned that the story of our marriage will always be painted with layers and layers of grace. We're clinging to Jesus' perfect example of unconditional, self-dying love for us every single day - and His love for us is truly the only thing that can compel us to love one another the way we have been called to as husband and wife.
Our marriage is not perfect (despite what all the filters social media can place to make it look that way). We are both selfish and sinful and make mistakes every single day.. but God is faithful and He is good and we know that He is the foundation that will help us stand together as one - til death do us part! In my short, but sweet 3 years - God has taught me some very important things. much of what I've learned has been from really great books about marriage/being a wife (* * * *), my own personal experience and the wise counsel of wives who are older and more seasoned than me.
I'm excited to share these little nuggets with you today in honor of our 3-years of growing, long-suffering, persevering, enduring, and always-learning marriage:
My marriage does NOT cause me to be more sinful.
Everyone told me that marriage would be hard - especially the first few months of marriage. I was resolved to have the perfect marriage and be the perfect wife despite the odds, statistics and testimonies of my fellow wife friends.
However- shortly after we got back from our honeymoon, I was surprised to see how many of eugene's mannerisms/habits frustrated me (talk about culture shock! and short lived resolutions...) I found myself growing more impatient, less gracious and definitely more sensitive. I cried over really dumb things. like when he didn't notice that I had dusted the floor on all fours for 2-hours. or when he didn't immediately gobble up this new, adventurous persian chicken-and-rice dish that I tried making for the first time (it really was kindova fail on my part, tbh!)
A few months into our marriage, I asked Eugene if he saw any obvious sins in my life. He told me that I actually had "a bit of a temper". What? Who? ME?! No way.
A few months into our marriage, I asked Eugene if he saw any obvious sins in my life. He told me that I actually had "a bit of a temper". What? Who? ME?! No way.
I immediately placed blame on Eugene and accused him and my marriage for making me more sinful. I never had a temper before I got married! Foolish me. Unbeknownst to me - my sister (who was living with us at the time) sheepishly mentioned that I always had a bit of a temper. gah, what? wait...are you serious? I realized that my marriage didn't cause me to sin more but that it actually revealed sin that was already in my heart.
In tim keller's book, 'the meaning of marriage' he says -- "marriage shows you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention to it." I learned that I had to stop blaming eugene/my marriage for my sin. I needed to see that this was God's sovereign and loving way of revealing to me the depths of my sin, so that I could seek forgiveness and pursue righteousness in the way I've been called to do.
In tim keller's book, 'the meaning of marriage' he says -- "marriage shows you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention to it." I learned that I had to stop blaming eugene/my marriage for my sin. I needed to see that this was God's sovereign and loving way of revealing to me the depths of my sin, so that I could seek forgiveness and pursue righteousness in the way I've been called to do.
I have been tailor-made to be my husband's helper.
In the bible, we learn that woman was created for man and that wives are to be their husbands' helper. It's neat to think that when God created me - that He created me with Eugene in mind: each unique personality trait, strength, weakness, habit, life experience, etc was single-handedly orchestrated by my Creator with my husband in mind. I always tell Eugene that I was tailor-made for him. :) The longer we are married, the more I am convinced this to be true! I know that as Eugene's wife, I am called to be his helper, partner, greatest supporter in this life. I see how the different things God has brought me through have prepared me to uniquely help Eugene in each season of his/our life. I really praise God for that.
In the bible, we learn that woman was created for man and that wives are to be their husbands' helper. It's neat to think that when God created me - that He created me with Eugene in mind: each unique personality trait, strength, weakness, habit, life experience, etc was single-handedly orchestrated by my Creator with my husband in mind. I always tell Eugene that I was tailor-made for him. :) The longer we are married, the more I am convinced this to be true! I know that as Eugene's wife, I am called to be his helper, partner, greatest supporter in this life. I see how the different things God has brought me through have prepared me to uniquely help Eugene in each season of his/our life. I really praise God for that.
"Fail to plan, plan to fail." Winston Churchill
Something I've learned in college is that we will never not be busy. There will always be something to take our time, energy and attention. there will never be a "good time" to do anything. We just have to learn to get it done with whatever circumstances/responsibilities we have. To be honest, when we first got married - I struggled so much to feed my husband. (poor Eugene!) I would do really good for the first few days (and waste a lot of food) and then go on a 4-5 day streak of not going near my kitchen at all. I was working night shift at the time, and i honestly just lost track of the days. oh crap, its Thursday already? Eugene..what did you eat since Monday? lol. it was chaos. I realized that in order to be faithful in fulfilling all my responsibilities at home (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc) whilst working full time - I have to be prepared. I have to have a plan! Hence, came my intense meal prepping days and planning out recipes that can stretch for the back-to-back work days that I'm physically unable to prepare meals. I definitely don't do this perfectly, and still have a long way to go - but I'm better than I was 3 years ago, that's for sure!
I have no pictures for this section yet because I am still struggling to make this into a daily practice. A really great piece of advice I learned about keeping a decent home is to make sure that you make a place for everything. you tend to put things away better if there is a designated place for it. To be honest, most days our place is a big. hot. mess. Eugene loves leaving all his school notes, important paperwork, work clothes, pj's and work schedule laid out everywhere. It drives me crazy but it helps him feel like he has control of where everything is. and that's coo. (for now!) Someday- I hope to have an organized system where I can leave things in specific places and label everything and have designated boxes for the thousand pieces of things we have currently laying in our apartment. (p.s the picture below is an overly-excited photo I took of us when I first got my go-pro. Eugene didn't want me to post it because of how crazy our apartment looked..but its okay honey, it's real life!)
it's not 50-50.
Growing up - you learn that relationships should be 50-50. We live in a day and age when we teach and preach the "meet-me-halfway", "you-scratch-my-back-i'll-scratch-yours" mentality. A lot of people have told me to designate specific house chores for Eugene as to not make it a habit in our home for the woman to do everything. Lovingly, a lot of my friends have urged me to ask Eugene to do the dishes, if i do the cooking; to do the folding, if I put the clothes in the wash. Honestly, I think that would be pretty awesome! However - if that was the principle on which we built our marriage, I would be smad (sad+mad) and frustrated and disappointed all the time.
In the bible, we are exhorted to "outdo one another in showing honor" (romans 12:10). I think marriage is most beautiful when we don't measure, record and calculate all of the things the other person did/didn't do - but rather, desire to love and serve one another wholeheartedly, 100% and unconditionally. 100-100, not 50-50. I'm seeing that when I serve Eugene and desire to love Eugene in this way - it brings me greater joy and delight than only doing as much as I feel like he deserves. It's definitely not easy to do it this way - but I really believe and trust that this is what honors God more: to desire to "outdo" one another in loving, serving and honoring the other. It's definitely a work in progress (I'm naturally so selfish and self-seeking!) but I'm learning and growing each day!
enjoy everything. every day. in every season.
This season of our marriage has been a tough one. This is the hardest year in pharmacy school for eugene and he has been completely swamped with school, work, clubs, etc. Our time together is really limited and even when we are together - he usually has to spend all of his time studying. There are days that I really struggle to be thankful for this season. sometimes, I really can't wait for him to be done with school so that we can have dinner together every day or at least go to bed together every night. However, God is teaching me that there will always be reason for discontent in every season. The key is to find contentment in each and every season of our lives, knowing and trusting that God has purpose in every single thing. every hard circumstance, inconvenience, discouragement, failure -- is carefully orchestrated into our lives by our Infinitely Good, Wise, and Sovereign Creator.
Therefore, in this season - i'm learning to delight in my days alone. in the opportunities I have to spend with other people. in finding fun and creative ways to make eugene smile. and in these little 5am coffee runs we do for each other that currently serves as our greatest expression of love. This season will pass, and we will soon enter another. I'm learning to enjoy everything about every day and to trust in God's perfect will for each detail of our lives.
reality check: you don't stay married because you love each other.
Growing up, I never thought that there would be a day that I would not love my husband. You dream of all these fantasy fairytale stories of falling in love and riding off into the sunset with your prince and being in love forever. I always thought that once you get married, there is an everlasting cloud of lovey dovey, happy cheery, warm and gooey love that wraps its pretty little arms around you for the rest of your life. Woah - talk about reality check.
To be honest with you - there have been days when I really struggled to love my husband. this is not to say that Eugene isn't wonderful. he is! but he is not wonderful every second, every day of his life. There are times when I am frustrated and disappointed. there are days when he fails to love me in the way that I desire or when there are other things that take his time/attention/energy and he is unable to be there for me. there are days when he is so tired that he doesn't ask me about my day. there are days when he feels distant. or different. There have been days when I humanly could not muster up any feelings of love for my husband. if you can imagine -this really scared me at first! This did not align with the picture-perfect love story that I had once imagined.
However - I've learned in these last 3 years that our marriage is a covenant. a promise and vow made not merely between Eugene and I, but between us and God. We vowed to love one another, to serve and honor one another til death do us part. for better or for worse. We promised that to each other - but most importantly we made that promise to God. As Christians, we know that marriage is a covenant and it is meant to reflect Christ's love for His bride -the church. Likewise, we are called to practice this selfless, self-giving, wholehearted, unconditional love with one another, but most importantly in the context of marriage. God has been teaching me that I have to choose everyday to love my husband. We don't love because, but we love despite. I learn the depths of Christ's love for me as I pursue this love: that despite our sin and rebellion against Him - He loved us; despite the fact that we did not choose Him, he pursued us. and despite our constant failures to obey and fight against temptation - He intercedes for us, forgives us and shows grace to us.
It really is only the love of Christ that can compel us to love in this way.
We love, because He loved us... and I'm learning that this is the same in marriage. I choose to love Eugene every day despite whatever reason I have to not love him. We don't stay married because we love each other. We strive to love each other to the best of our ability because we are married. and we are bound, together- for life! We are bound to this sweet, covenant, long-suffering, ever-persevering love - strengthened by His grace and empowered by His perfect example of love towards us. It isn't easy - but it's what we vowed to do.
Though it's only been three years, it's been quite a journey.
I truly believe that it is God's grace that brought us this far.
It is sweet.
and it is good.
His grace will bring us to the end.
and there's no one else I'd be on this crazy ride with than you.
and there's no one else I'd be on this crazy ride with than you.
xoxo,
happy 3 years. :)
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