this week, eugene and I celebrated 4 years of living life together and learning how to choose to love one another as husband and wife. it's been an amazing adventure, to say the least.. but it has definitely not been easy.
out of the 4 years we've been married, eugene has been in school for over 3 of them.
hello sweet husband who has no idea what kind of rollercoaster is ahead.
The first few years in school were filled with a lot of learning, adjusting, readjusting, moving (we moved 3 times in 3 years!) compromising, crying + whining (on my end), stressing + freaking out (on his end), talking, loving, forgiving, learning, etc etc. To put it in a nutshell, it's been real. and by real i mean: really really hard. but there have been a lot of beautiful and wonderful things I learned about marriage and how to specifically be a wife to my husband during these years. the lessons I learned are things I would never trade for years of comfort and perfect ease.
In my college years, I was fortunate to be surrounded by wives who truly loved, supported and submitted to their husbands - as to the Lord. I have seen Christ honored in their homes and in their marriages. I was thrilled to find so many beautiful jewels of truth and instruction specifically geared towards wives penned in the Scriptures. One passage I particularly love and hold dear is, of course, found in proverbs 31--
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
How much I longed to do "good" for my husband... to be the kind of wife whose husband's heart fully trusts and has no lack of gain. I desired so much to know how to properly live this out in this unique stage of my husband being fully preoccupied with school and work. but I was so unprepared.. and lost (!!) and confused (!!!)
I have not been the perfect wife. More often than not, I have not been the good helper that I am called to be. My husband and my closest family and friends would be the first to attest to how much I failed to really live up to the high calling of wife-hood that I received on our wedding day. However, there are many invaluable things I learned and wish I had known from the beginning. So to commemorate our last wedding anniversary spent in this season as wife + husband-who-is-a-full-time-student, I will share the some things I learned (and wish I had known sooner) while being a wife to a pharmacy student. So with that I present you with...
Guidelines to Being Married to a Student
1. Don't nag. (or be a drama queen, cry baby, whiner-girl)
For starters, we have to go back to the basics. I learned very early on that the best way I could "help" and serve my husband in this unique but difficult stage of our life + marriage was simply not to nag. There were countless times (like at least 10 times a day) when I wanted to nag or cry or complain about something. Exhibit A: I want attention. Exhibit B: You're never home, I'm lonely! Exhibit C: How come you never spend time with me. The list goes on. I learned that senseless nagging has never helped anyone do anything in life and it definitely doesn't make for a special and romantic interaction when husband comes home from a long day of work, feeling pressured and traffic and he is greeted with non-stop tears and nagging. You just gotta roll with the punches and understand and believe him when he says that he's trying his best to spend time with you and give you love and attention. This helped resolve at least 80% of our problems during the first year. If you stopped reading right now, you would be pretty safe for the entire 4 year grad school stretch, to be honest. haha.
2. Understand that it's just a season.
Something that will help you to accomplish #1 is to understand what I'm about to say in #2. Just remember that this school stage is just a season. Remembering this helped me to persevere through the different worries and sad feelings and drama queen/pity party episodes I had inside when I started to see him less and when I saw my relationship with Eugene change when he started school. Although my husband was no longer visiting me at work, surprising me by doing dishes while I was away and making me french toast when I was taking a nap doesn't mean that my husband changed. It means he's in school and he's actually a lot busier than he used to be, and that's okay.
3. Focus on not wasting this season yourself.
Something really stupid and immature I used to say to myself in the middle of my pity party sessions was that I hoped that I could fall asleep and wake up in 4 years when he was done in school. Like in a coma. (Ooookay, get your laughs and finger pointing out now.) I know, super lame. Thankfully, it didn't take me too long to snap out of it and realize how extremely foolish that kind of thinking was. I had to remember that God is purposeful in every season, even the ones that are not so delightful and fun. Even though this was a season that was not-so-ideal for me (in the sense that I rarely ever got to see my husband and felt like a single married woman!), I had to recognize that God had specific purpose and plans for ME during this season. I had to recognize that these 4 years of him being in school is precious time for me to invest in things and serve in ways that I wouldn't be able to if my husband was always home. This change in thinking made 4 dreadfully long years seem like a really short time because of the long list of things I wanted to try and do!
4. Keep yourself busy!
Hence, to build on #3, I would encourage you to find hobbies, try new things and spend a lot of time with people. Serve your church. Seize opportunities in your job/occupation you otherwise would never consider trying. During Eugene's time in school, I got to do/experience a lot of things. To name a few:
I learned how to sew and learned how to use a sewing machine!
I read a lot of books and went to a lot of cafes (my fave!)
I became a guest lecturer for a nursing school and got to grow my love for teaching by lecturing 6 times!
I fell in love with painting and watercoloring + calligraphy/lettering!
I experienced 2 different nursing jobs (one at another hospital - short lived, but a good experience) and as a home-health hospice nurse. and went to even more cafes.
I opened an etsy shop!
I went to India with my church!
I fell in love with finding new (and healthy) recipes!
superfood energy balls. Recipe here.
I also spent a lot of time at "home-home" with my family.
5. Find out how to uniquely + specifically help/serve your husband in this season.
As new wives, we are so excited to live up to this picture-perfect wife that we envisioned we would be. My picture included: me baking a lattice crust apple pie with a duster in one hand, wearing a really cute anthropologie apron in a perfectly clean and cozy house. and of course there is pot roast in the oven. This vision was crushed almost immediately after marriage but even moreso after Eugene started school. It's hard to get into your making dinner-every-night jive when your husband is rarely home to sit down for dinner and when all meals need to be stored in easy go-to tupperware containers. It threw me off and completely messed up my paradigm. I learned that "being a good wife/helper" is to meet my husband where he is and find out what kind of things would help him most. For me, my picture-perfect list of to-do's were thrown out the window and my list of wifely duties became pretty unconventional but once I learned to embrace and accept it, it became really fun and enjoyable to find specific ways to help serve him in his student-stage. :)
My list these last 4 years included: waking him up for naps, revising his papers and helping him format powerpoints, picking up his dry cleaning on time, keeping his white coat clean and ironed, pre-packing healthy meals that he could take to school, running random errands for him (i.e. picking up 50 starbucks giftcards and wrapping them individually for "thank you presents)
This one time he asked me to make spring rolls for some culture food day he had:
Every now and then we can throw one of these in before a test day to make him smile and keep him pumped! Be creative and have fun with it!
6. Pray for him.
This seems like a no brainer almost but it's been the hardest thing to do and is by far the most important, in my opinion. I say that it was the 'hardest' because I think my natural tendency is wanting to "do" something tangible rather than doing something seemingly intangible like praying. Throughout the years, I had lacked a lot of faith in how much power there is in prayer. I remember countless times when I felt helpless because I didn't know how to help Eugene. I had told an older sister at my church, "I feel so helpless because I don't know what else to do for him but to pray for him." It rebuked me when she responded by saying "that's the absolute best thing you can do for him." How true that was. How silly and prideful of me to negate God's hand in Eugene's life. I learned and am continuing to learn daily that the best thing that I can do for my husband in this season and in every season is laboring for him in my knees in prayer: asking God to strengthen, protect and equip Eugene to persevere and be victorious in all that he has been called to do/be. What joy there is in life to know that we are not alone - that sometimes, God does give us more than we can handle so that we can turn to him in prayer and complete dependence.
(HT: DesiringGod)
I'm praying that the lessons that I learned will continue with me as we close out this season of our lives and enter the next. In everything (and as always), I'm so thankful that God is faithful and good and with us in all things.
Cheers to our last year as wife and husband-who-is-a-full-time-student.
Looking forward to whats to come.
xoxo
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