Ugly discontentment

For the past few weeks, I've had some really bad insomnia.

I haven't changed my caffeine intake recently, and I rarely take naps during the day. I usually feel completely exhausted by the end of the day and crave the puffy, cool comforts of my pillow and bed -- but come nightfall, I am wide. awake. My body is pooped - craving for rest, but my mind is crazy and so, so stubborn. (for example -- tonight I laid in bed trying to fall asleep for almost 3 hours...)

Insomnia is a strange thing. Inconvenient, too.

....especially when the anticipation of a young baby waking up to feed is at large (literally holding my breath while watching the baby monitor!) and those extra hours of shut-eye would prove helpful tomorrow when trying to entertain my active, squirmy son for hours and hours. But the worst part about insomnia is the amount of unproductive + mindless thinking I am left to do in the ungodly hours of the night. 

A racing mind with thoughts untethered can prove to be a blessing and a curse-- kinda like meeting up with a good friend over a 5-hour brunch which is likely to lead you to talking about any and everything, random little details that you never bother to say outloud which makes you think of/realize/unearth thoughts, convictions, feelings that you never even knew you had. you know, those kinds. It's a blessing because it provides me quiet time to think and reflect about things that may fall through the cracks or get lost in the bustle of every day life. It can also be something of a curse because a racing mind plus untethered thoughts plus ungodly hours is almost always a recipe for disaster. You notice details in the day that were inconvenient or imperfect. You notice corners of your life have grown messy, unorganized -- you realize you forgot to brush your teeth that morning -- you notice that you've been increasingly more impatient or have been more abrupt and rash with your words. You feel dirty. You think of "better days" when things were more simple and less crazy.  You think of people who have hurt or wronged you. You think of that one incident when your husband didn't offer to help. You think of that one thing that you want but can't buy. Then it makes you think about the 10 others people who have said thing and feel sad that you can't have that too. Then you think "sigh, I'll just go on a trip somewhere and try to recharge/reset". Then you realize you have a baby. "Would I have to take the stroller? And car seat? Does that mean I have to rent a car? Will the hotel provide a crib?" Then you think forget it. Then you think about all the other what-if's. Why-nots. How-comes.

Discontentment is so ugly. and so contagious. Like cancer to the soul, it spreads it's filth everywhere and it ruins everything. It affects our attitude, it brings tension to our relatonships, it robs us of our joy.  It's funny because I'm really not a discontent person. My normal day-to-day self is simple, easy to please and I can generally find things to be thankful for quite easily. But I realize that when my mind is let loose to think and do as it pleases - it goes into ugly places and does really bad things. 

Discontentment is sin because it is ultimately a lack of faith in God. 

My discontentment (albiet transient) is evidence of my lack of faith in His goodness, His wisdom, his loving provision. My discontentment shouts, “You don’t know what’s best for me!” and “If you really loved me, You wouldn’t have given this to me!"  Discontentment is doubting his love. Discontentment is believing that He is withholding good.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:32


I know that God is always good and always faithful. I know that He is loving. I also know that every inconvenience, 'unfortunate' circumstance and unhappy detail was purposefully and purposely orchestrated and weaved into my life by my Heavenly Father to make me understand these truths more deeply. When discontentment seeps in and lies to our hearts, it is our responsibility to wage war against these lies with the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. We must make every thought captive to obey Christ. We must trust in His goodness. We must cling to His grace.

I pray that the world see our joy in Christ, in every circumstance. May our incomprehensible hope and contentment in all things magnify the love and sovereignty of our faithful God.

{recipe} taiwanese beef noodle soup

I never thought I would ever make a taiwanese dish. 

I also never imagined myself marrying a taiwanese guy but that happens sometimes and when it does, you learn how to make beef noodle soup. I remember the first time I ate beef noodle soup, the smell/taste/experience was so overwhelming. The broth is so dark and deep in flavor, the meat so riddled with fatty tendons and it was all very confusing to me.

Fast forward 5 years, and now I've been married to a taiwanese guy for 4.5 years and have had many beef noodle soups. I think for my korean palate, it was an acquired taste -- and now I love it! I wanted to try and learn how to make more chinese/taiwanese dishes for Eugene, especially since I mainly make korean food and I know sometimes he gets sick of kimchi. This was my first experiment - and after a few tries, I think I got a good recipe down. Of course this is tailored moreso for my husband's tastebuds (he is my #1 customer, you know!) so it has a bit of a spicier kick and more meat than most dishes. We had also hosted two beef noodle soup tasting parties and a total of 6 people + eugene have approved of this recipe - so I hope you will accept my newb-y attempt at this taiwanese recipe :) 

First, the aromatics.

My sweet friend (and neighbor) MB gave me some of her star anise and sichuan peppercorns. Chinese grocery markets are so overwhelming to me. There are rows and rows of packets of spices and dried this + that -- I couldn't dare look at each label with a baby in tow. She graciously shared generous amounts of these spices with me and they were key to this recipe. 

I know this might be weird but I think the little bowl full of spices is so cute! Especially with the star anise and cinnamon stick. So cute! 

The most important element of this dish is obviously the broth. This is where most of the time and energy must be invested. Apart from the normal broth enhancers (quartered onions, whole garlic cloves, ginger), carrots and a tomato join the party to bring depth to the broth. 

The spices get slightly toasted, then glazed with a bit of rice wine (a little goes a long way for this part!) then the other guys slowly join the party to make your kitchen smell amazing.

I let the flavors marry a bit (without overcooking any of the vegetables) before I add the water. I guess if you want to go crazy you can broil your garlic, tomato, ginger and onion pieces for a few minutes before adding them in. I don't know. Go crazy if you wanna,

After the water goes in, the broth is almost ready. You add some soy sauce and some beef bouillon  paste (which I usually would not use because of the msg content, but wasn't brave enough to try to recipe without it!).  Only thing we really need now is the meat. I chose beef shank pieces that had really good tendon inside. Just ask the butcher to choose a good one for you.

Ooh tendon! 

It's better to cut the meat into bite sized pieces before adding the meat into the broth. I think the smaller surface area allows the 6-8 hours of cook time to really work at the rough tendon spots to make it soft and juicy. My knives all suck so I couldn't cut through any of it so had to cook the meat whole for 1-2 hours and take it out to cut it. Maybe you have an amazing knife and can forego that step! Whichever way you do it, it'll still turn out soft and tender if you put in the time!

6-8 hours later, the broth becomes super thick and rich, the meat become perfectly soft and tender and you're ready to go.  I totally forgot to take a photo after adding the garnishes (which is crucial!) so don't forget that. Just imagine a few sprigs of cilantro, a few slices of red pepper, chopped green onion and some pickled mustard greens. Use your imagination. It's a lot more pretty with all that extra  color!

Bon appetite!



Taiwanese Beef Noodle Soup
Adapted from Angel Wong's Kitchen, Epicurious and The Kitchn

/ ingredients /

1.5-2 lb beef shank

spices
1/2 tsp. fennel
3-4 star anise
8 whole cloves
1 tsp. sichuan peppercorns
1 cinnamon stick
4 tbsp rice wine (for deglazing)

vegetables for broth
3-4 green onions
1 medium onion
3-4 carrots, peeled
1 tomato
10 cloves of garlic
3'' piece of ginger, cut in pieces

6-8 cups of water
6 tbs soy sauce
2 tbs beef bouillon paste

the goods
knife-cut frozen noodles
baby bok choy
pickled mustard greens
fresh red chilis
cilantro
green onions


/ directions /
1. assemble spices
2. cut onion, green onion, tomato, garlic and ginger. cut and peel carrots.
3. cut beef shank into smaller pieces, if possible.
4. add spices to pot on medium heat and toss. add rice wine and toss again. add vegetables in broth and allow to slightly cook.
5. add water, soy sauce and beef bouillon paste and mix broth contents. cook under medium-high heat. add beef shank pieces.
6. allow broth to come to a boil (about 20-30 minutes) then lower heat to low-medium and simmer for 6-8 hours. taste broth at 6 hour mark and add small amounts of water if needed.
7. when broth is ready -- use a tong to remove beef shank pieces from the broth and set aside.
8. cook noodles and have garnishes handy.
9. arrange cooked noodles in the bowl. use a ladle + strainer to pour broth into the noodle bowl. (you need to use the strainer because the broth vegetables are still there (carrots, tomato, onion, ginger, etc) and you don't want that gunk in your soup!
10. add meat to the bowl and assemble garnish. serve immediately!

4 months!

about a week late... but happy 4 months, sweet baby asher.

at 4 months - you are measuring 25.7 inches and 16.8 lbs. your head is still in the 99th percentile and going strong. we are so, so thankful to the Lord for your health and growth thus far!

so many things happened this month. 

we got some of these foam mats for you to roll around on and you've been loving it. we never realized just how mobile you were until we got these because we rarely let you roll/crawl around our dirty carpet. (this pororo one was specially delivered from your auntie donghee from Virgina!)

we celebrated your 100th day.

it was a simple family gathering with amazing chinese food, an ice cream cake (specially decorated by your yeh-yeh) and a lot of family time. this was after about a week of strict sleep training so you were sleepy-eyed by 7pm. it was such a sweet celebration and we gave thanks to the Lord for His goodness to us in blessing us with you! 

all that rolling around and tummy time on the new mats paid off because you learned how to roll onto your belly. this photo was during the first night of belly-sleeping and I think I got like 3 hours of sleep total that night because I kept waking up to check up on you! you are a pro belly sleeper now and I feel a lot more at peace now about your new favorite sleeping position. 

you've been sleeping longer stretches at night (5+ hours!) and one time even surprised mommy with a 10 hour stretch. I woke up in disbelief and kept checking the time (I also had to emergently wake up to pump, lol!) I was so proud of you and you were so happy and well rested the next morning - those first few nights of sleep training were well worth it. now that you are sleeping longer, it has been sweet having more time to ourselves at night -- but I do miss you every night you go to sleep. in the middle of the night when I come in for your feeds, I try not to linger too long but I love, love love your cuddles. you are at such a fun and sweet age where you have enough neck strength to hold your head up on your own, but you'll rest it and fit so perfectly into my neck as you're resting on my shoulder. it's these kind of moments that I'm trying to permanently stamp into my mind and remember forever. 

you have always loved water and loved bath time -- so we invested in a otteroo for you to play with.  you loved it so much and had so much fun! it was so cute to see you splashing and kicking around. mommy and daddy had to shower in your bath water though b/c we are in a drought, lol! can't wait til you're old enough to regulate your own temperature so we can take you to the pool! 

this month, we focused on nap training you in your crib. you are definitely an on-the-go baby and can sleep and play well anywhere. this worked really well for us because we loved going out together but the catch was you didn't sleep too well at home. thankfully now you are getting more used to sleeping at home and designating your crib for sleep time - whether its night or day. i'm so thankful for that! but you still take pretty good naps in the car seat and sometimes when you're sleeping in the car, i just stare at you with all the heart eyes in the world. i love your cutie cheeks, your voluptuous lips and your bubbles! 

we've been trying to spend more time with friends at home so we've been hosting more get togethers. thankfully you like being held by others and love the company. cant wait til you're old enough to munch on yummy snacks with me!  

recently you're favorite thing has been cuddling with me in bed. it has sorta become our fave thing. it is so, so sweet seeing your tiny little body taking up our entire bed. even though I know that this can't be a routine thing - i'm savoring any and every opportunity we have to cuddle!

you are always rolling, rolling, rolling around now. it's crazy. we are making a check list on baby-proofing because we have a feeling it's gonna come sooner than we know it! 

this has been such an amazing and fun age for us. you are smiling and laughing so much more. you are still relatively shy and quiet (like daddy!) but starting to babble a little more. you are so curious about any and everything - especially when we go outside. you love staring at trees and lights. we battled through reflux (so thankful it's nearly gone!) and are fighting through some eczema right now but you are such a champ through it all. you love taking walks with daddy and being in forward-facing carriers only. you love putting things in your mouth and just started touching your toes. I seriously wish I could slow down time so I could savor each and every moment with you - but we are just learning to have fun and treasure every day we have together. 

there are a lot of things that I read while preparing for the sleep-training bonanza last month.  

"don't cuddle to sleep."

 "don't spend too much time holding the baby during night feeds."

"don't let baby sleep on you"

don't do this, don't do that.

I know there are a lot of good reasons for not doing these certain things - but I've just been enjoying every cuddle and every opportunity to hold you close. you're my sweet little babe but you are growing so fast, sometimes I wish I could just hold my breath and make it pause! there are definitely a lot of things that are hard when first becoming a mama. so many worries and anxieties. a lot of cluelessness and a lot of questioning myself. but all in all, I'm just learning the beauty in just surrendering all of those things to the Lord and loving you with my whole heart and caring for you in the best way I know how. I know that I'm not perfect and that I lack in a lot of things -- but there is definitely no lack of love here. I love you more than I can say.

I praise God for you everyday, my sweet boy.

happy 4.

<3

love, mama