confessions of a servant.

I know there are a lot of tough jobs out there in the world, but I would offer an argument that my job is pretty dang hard sometimes. My job is a people job. We do not ruffle through papers or stare at a computer screens all day (which, in my opinion, is the harder thing to do sometimes!) but we deal with real lives, real people, real families. We do our best to take care of people who are sick to the best of our ability - to think critically, to assess meticulously, to tend to their ailments wholeheartedly, and to give our love relentlessly. This is no small feat.

Often, my skills are tested. My ability, challenged. My decisions, questioned. To patients, families and doctors alike - I'm constantly having to prove myself. We give, give, give - hoping that what we hold in our hands will suffice. We do our best, and go home trying to find peace with it. However, I confess that sometimes - more than taking care of a critically ill patient and being obligated to fulfill the trillion tasks that are required... the hardest part of my job is serving people who are hard to serve. Loving people who are hard to love. Showing patience to people who shout in my face and treat me with disrespect. Showing grace to people who feel entitled and have no regard for those who may need more attention and time than they. "I don't care if you have other patients. Come when I tell you to come." A lot of times I'm not sure how to respond.

There are patients that I have that are easy to love. Easy to serve. They are patients that I long so much to go above and beyond for, people I want to fight for, people for whom I'd do anything to make their day. I once had a lovely patient who was so sweet and kind, and despite the wretched diagnosis she received -she carried herself with such grace and class. She was selfless. She desired so much to know about me and my life and my day - than using her unfortunate circumstance to rain on other parades. In the near end of my day with her - she said that all she wanted was a mocha frappacino. A girl who knows my heart. Despite the fact that she was on a restricted diet, I convinced the doctor to make an exception and we enjoyed frapaccinos together that afternoon- talking about love and life and the joy we find in every day things. Days like that make it so easy to love my job.

However, there are others who will tell me all day how incompetent I am. Who will trump anything and everything I say. Who will refuse to get out of showers until I shampoo and condition their hair for 15 minutes each and who simply "don't care about the other patients in this hospital". There are those who complain that their ice water has not been changed in the last hour or who will be upset that I didn't let them blow dry their hair. We joke sometimes by saying "I'm your nurse, not your slave" or that "the H on this building his Hospital, not Hotel" - and it's easy to grow frustrated and bitter.

God is teaching me that there will always be hard people and hard circumstances. I cannot control these things, nor can I choose to ignore them when they come. I'm learning to simply trust that every single patient, family member and circumstance that comes into my life is something that God purposefully and sovereignly has placed. I'm learning every day that every difficult situation and every mean + scary + disrespectful patient that I am entrusted to tend to has been given to me by my  infinitely Wise, infinitely Loving, infinitely Sovereign Father. I'm learning that my calling every day that I'm at work is not merely to have a career or to do a good job - but that ultimately I am called to love and care for my patients in such a way that Christ is seen in me; that the way I love and the way I care, that Christ be magnified and exalted. I know that when God gives me hard patients and families to care for, that He is sharpening within me the ability to love and care in such a way that is not natural to me. I know that it is Christ's example of unconditional, sacrificial and self-giving love  towards me that will compel me to love in that way also. I am definitely flawed in this. I complain a lot. and get frustrated easily.. but every day I'm learning the depth of Christ's love for me as I experience just how hard this love really is. 

I'm praying that I will continuously be strengthened and empowered to show this kind of love; that I will be able to pour out my life to others as a sacrifice...as a servant before men, "for Christ's sake" and that His name be known and His love shown through me. 

"for what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord -
with ourselves as your servants, for Jesus' sake."
 -2 Corinthians 4:5-