Ugly discontentment

For the past few weeks, I've had some really bad insomnia.

I haven't changed my caffeine intake recently, and I rarely take naps during the day. I usually feel completely exhausted by the end of the day and crave the puffy, cool comforts of my pillow and bed -- but come nightfall, I am wide. awake. My body is pooped - craving for rest, but my mind is crazy and so, so stubborn. (for example -- tonight I laid in bed trying to fall asleep for almost 3 hours...)

Insomnia is a strange thing. Inconvenient, too.

....especially when the anticipation of a young baby waking up to feed is at large (literally holding my breath while watching the baby monitor!) and those extra hours of shut-eye would prove helpful tomorrow when trying to entertain my active, squirmy son for hours and hours. But the worst part about insomnia is the amount of unproductive + mindless thinking I am left to do in the ungodly hours of the night. 

A racing mind with thoughts untethered can prove to be a blessing and a curse-- kinda like meeting up with a good friend over a 5-hour brunch which is likely to lead you to talking about any and everything, random little details that you never bother to say outloud which makes you think of/realize/unearth thoughts, convictions, feelings that you never even knew you had. you know, those kinds. It's a blessing because it provides me quiet time to think and reflect about things that may fall through the cracks or get lost in the bustle of every day life. It can also be something of a curse because a racing mind plus untethered thoughts plus ungodly hours is almost always a recipe for disaster. You notice details in the day that were inconvenient or imperfect. You notice corners of your life have grown messy, unorganized -- you realize you forgot to brush your teeth that morning -- you notice that you've been increasingly more impatient or have been more abrupt and rash with your words. You feel dirty. You think of "better days" when things were more simple and less crazy.  You think of people who have hurt or wronged you. You think of that one incident when your husband didn't offer to help. You think of that one thing that you want but can't buy. Then it makes you think about the 10 others people who have said thing and feel sad that you can't have that too. Then you think "sigh, I'll just go on a trip somewhere and try to recharge/reset". Then you realize you have a baby. "Would I have to take the stroller? And car seat? Does that mean I have to rent a car? Will the hotel provide a crib?" Then you think forget it. Then you think about all the other what-if's. Why-nots. How-comes.

Discontentment is so ugly. and so contagious. Like cancer to the soul, it spreads it's filth everywhere and it ruins everything. It affects our attitude, it brings tension to our relatonships, it robs us of our joy.  It's funny because I'm really not a discontent person. My normal day-to-day self is simple, easy to please and I can generally find things to be thankful for quite easily. But I realize that when my mind is let loose to think and do as it pleases - it goes into ugly places and does really bad things. 

Discontentment is sin because it is ultimately a lack of faith in God. 

My discontentment (albiet transient) is evidence of my lack of faith in His goodness, His wisdom, his loving provision. My discontentment shouts, “You don’t know what’s best for me!” and “If you really loved me, You wouldn’t have given this to me!"  Discontentment is doubting his love. Discontentment is believing that He is withholding good.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:32


I know that God is always good and always faithful. I know that He is loving. I also know that every inconvenience, 'unfortunate' circumstance and unhappy detail was purposefully and purposely orchestrated and weaved into my life by my Heavenly Father to make me understand these truths more deeply. When discontentment seeps in and lies to our hearts, it is our responsibility to wage war against these lies with the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. We must make every thought captive to obey Christ. We must trust in His goodness. We must cling to His grace.

I pray that the world see our joy in Christ, in every circumstance. May our incomprehensible hope and contentment in all things magnify the love and sovereignty of our faithful God.